Broadcasts from
Babylon
(No Cover Magazine, March 2002)
By Robert Welborn
Party like Rock Star…in
Jersey
Membership in the rock god pantheon
apparently has more privilege than we first believed.
The sartorial boys of Lit recently threw a party in
Iselin
,
New Jersey
. Oh, did I
mention that the party was in the
Iselin
,
New Jersey
firehouse? If
I didn’t mention that, then perhaps I forgot to tell you that the party was
packed with topless girls discharging fire extinguishers (feel free to draw
whatever allusion to the male ejaculatory process you wish).
The coup de grace was when the band showed up to the party on one of the
Iselin
fire trucks, after the truck had driven though the
streets of
Iselin
, siren blaring.
The crack detectives in the
Iselin
,
New Jersey
police department, after receiving a flyer announcing the
event, apparently cracked the case of missing firehouse wide open.
Moral Relativists and Secular
Humanists alike agreed to release the following statement regarding the
Bacchanalia: Oh sure, only three of the firefighters in the firehouse
actually got suspended, and in the event of actual emergency people would likely
have accepted loosing their home, because who wants to live in Iselin, New
Jersey. This was a moment for the celebration of youth and life, not an excuse
for
Jersey
rockers to exploit some of the female and firefighter
members of their mindless fandom.
At least they haven’t tried to tackle elder abuse in
the music…
Prodigy, the band that has been the
soundtrack for like every workout I’ve done for the past ten years, is finding
new ways to offend people. You’d
think that writing a song called “Smack My Bitch Up” would have been their
final foray into controversial topics from which they come down squarely on the
opposite side of civilized man. But sadly, the answer is “no”.
Their latest opus, “Baby’s Got a Temper”, is a salute to the famous
date rape drug Rohypnol. Apparently,
the hypnotic rhythms of Prodigy’s music have not been enough to subdue the
wills of the girls (or boys) in whom the band had a passing fancy.
I’m embarrassed to admit it but:
When I initially read this release, my first thought was “Hey,
Prodigy’s releasing a new album”.
Finally, I get to write something about The Osbornes…
Ted Nugent, when asked what he thought of MTV’s new show The
Osbornes , calmly stated, "I think it's an indictment to the
soullessness of modern man that we get a kick out of witnessing a magnificent
creature reduced to a blithering hopeless idiot.”
With this quote in hand, someone walked into an MTV’s The Osbornes
press conference, with the stars present, and asked them if they wished to
comment. Sharon Osborne, matriarch
of the clan was quick to state, “Tell him go f--k
himself.” After a slight pause, she requested that her statement be amended to
say “Tell him to go back into the f--king sausage factory! F--king a--hole!”
Jack Osborne, male heir to the pater families stated coolly, “He's hardly a
god right now. He's got nothing better to do than to hunt an animal in a forest
with a bow and arrow”. Ozzy tried
to calm the situation and his brood down, but
Sharon
shouted out “Well, he better not f--king meet me.”
In fact, a few questions later, she seemed to still be upset when she
blurted out “I'm going to cut his
d--k off”, hopefully referring to Nugent.
Ozzy then informed his wife that Ted Nugent might no longer be in
possession of his manhood.
Sharon
then apparently concurred stating “F--k him.”
The only TV Mom that we could
reach for a comment, Samantha Stevens of Bewitched, issued the following
statement: “If I’d have
known that I could say ‘F--k’ and ‘d--k’ on TV, Serena and Endora would
have never ruined my soufflés."
Wait, wait, you said Bono, the guy from U2…
Yes. It’s
true. U2 front Bono is going to be
on the agenda in the June meeting of the G-8 in the obscure Canadian city of
Kananaskis,
Alberta. Get this, he’s not doing any of
solo stuff there, he’s actually speaking to the G-8 speaking about debt
reduction. Bob Geldoff, the fellow
who was so disturbed by the hammers in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, will also
be joining him. This trip is just a
precursor to Bono’s trip to
Africa
later this summer with Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill to research AIDS,
foreign aid, and trade in the
Dark Continent
(so called because so much of it was unexplored, for those of you Roman History
buffs).
Further signs of the apocalypse: MTV and CSPAN have
finally found their cameras in the same room at the same time.
The Edge will be discussing our nation’s aging infrastructure with
Norman Mineta, Adam Clayton will be discussing potato subsidies with Ann Veneman,
and finally Larry Mullen Jr. will be discussing a phased approach to
implementing the Crusader weapons system with Donald Rumsfeld.
In Spanish they are called Las Pistolas Del Sexo…
Dust off the dippity-do and hairspray; it’s time to
remember what punk rock sounded like. The
Sex Pistols (or should we call them the Ex-Sex Pistols for consonance) will
reunite to play a show this summer. That
show will not be QEII’s (that’s the regent formerly known as Queen Elizabeth
II) Golden Jubilee. You may recall
that the Pistols’ 1977 “God Save the Queen” in which they snarled the
British National Anthem (or at least it was the British National Anthem at some
point). The concert will include a
dance mix version of “God Save the Queen”.
Which members of the band will be dancing is not entirely clear.
The bottom line for this particular broadcast will be
mostly gibberish: blah, blah,
blah, Sid Vicious, blah, blah, blah,
Nancy Spungen, blah, blah, blah, stupid solo tour, wubba, wubba, wubba, tired of
eating Velveeta Shells and cheese.
Pretending to like Elton John…
If the last article wasn’t a hint, Queen Elizabeth will
be celebrating her 50th year on the throne (snicker, snicker).
To celebrate, she’s throwing a party, which will include, among other
things, Maori dancing, pop music and a full orchestra.
I know what you’re saying “The Maori!
Aren’t they the blood thirsty tribe from the islands of New Zeeland who
wiped out the Moriori tribes.” To that I say, “That was two centuries ago,
isn’t it more disturbing that the Queen has to sit through former Spice Girls,
Elton John, Paul McCartney and Ozzy Osborne in one night ?”
When asked whether or not the Queen likes or dislikes pop music, Elton
John said “I think she just grins and bears it and thinks of
England
.” (of course this was Queen
Victoria
’s advice to young British girls on their wedding nights, and I’m not
kidding). The concert will take
place June 3. We don’t know if
Sharon Osborne will still be pissed off at Ted Nugent by then, but we hope so.
Just some fodder for you and your chums to pip off at in
the punting club at
Trinity
College
: Queen Elizabeth is of the House of Windsor who took power after the Houses of
Saxe and
Brunswick
(
Hanover
line, of course) respectively. The
first Queen Elizabeth was of the House of Tudor, who won the War of the Roses
(the actual war, not the 1989 movie with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner).
The Catholic Stuarts took power after the Protestant Tudors.
You’ll recall that the Stuarts were overthrown by that bastard Cromwell
and his blasted Commonwealth, which ultimately led to the creation of the
United States
.
Do we really call the Vice President’s wife the “Second” Lady?
Eminem apparently does not appreciate Mrs. Cheney (Lynne to
her friends), wife of the
US
Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney. In
Mr. Mathers’ latest work “White America”, he sings, or raps or whatever it
is he does, “F--k you, Miss Cheney! ... with the freeness of speech this
Divided States of Embarrassment will allow you to have.”
Mrs. Cheney (we are assuming that he was speaking of Mrs. Cheney despite
the fact that the lyric reads “Miss Cheney” perhaps referring to one of the
Second Lady’s lovely daughters) condemned Eminem’s lyrics as being
misogynistic and homophobic in 2000 before her husband was elected to office.
Eminem apparently has reached his “B-List” of people to scream at in
his songs, as the event to which he was referring occurred over two years ago.
Through a spokeswoman Mrs. Cheney responded that Eminem’s lyrics
promote violence against women and homosexuals.
You know Eminem must really be promoting it because to get a Republican
to defend homosexuals you’ve got to do something really bad.
This just in: My
editor has informed me that this is not one of those magazines where we have to
censor phrases like “F--k you, Miss Cheney”.
However, I’m not allowed to used the words “s--ntorian”, “p-jorative”,
“p--lix”, “edul--rate”, or “c---sucker”.
Archived Broadcasts From
Babylon
: September 1986
The Chicago Bears are rumored to be in the studio working
on another single as a follow up to last year’s “Super Bowl Shuffle”.
The Chicago Bears, after trouncing the pathetic New England Patriots in
this year’s Super Bowl have proved themselves the greatest football team of
the century and may go on to win every Super Bowl until the year 1999 (William
“The Refrigerator” Perry might have to retire by then, so they might loose a
step). The “Super Bowl Shuffle”
was brilliantly choreographed by someone like Debbie Allen who played the
choreographer Lydia Allen in that TV show Fame.
Go Bears! Woo Hoo! Bears
Rule!
Historical Disclaimers: 1.
The Bears have not won another Super Bowl since the 1985 Bears recorded
their “Super Bowl Shuffle”. 2.
We’ve fired the guy who wrote this article, shortly after his praise of
the then Los Angles Raiders released a single called the “Super Bowl Slide”.
3. I’m a Cowboy’s fan,
but I don’t care enough to bother y’all about it.
4. William “The
Refrigerator” Perry will be on celebrity boxing on Fox really soon.
Meanwhile he’s doing work as the stunt double for Jabba the Hut in the
next Lucasfilm production.
