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What You Need to Know to Be a Rock Star:  Faking a Court Ordered Anger Management Program (No Cover Magazine, March 2001)

By Robert Welborn

There is something about becoming wildly successful that builds a rage in people.  For some reason, the money, sex, cars and great food make performing artists and football players furious.  Perhaps  the wheelbarrows full of cash that get dumped into their beds each morning make them a little cranky.  Since you are planning on being a rock star, you might as well begin acting like one.  What better starting point than completely irrational rage directed at the people you care about the most?

We are told from the time we are little kids that anger is “bad”.  The people you most hated growing up were likely the ones who got mad at you or lashed out at you in their anger. We are constantly told that "normal" kids do not get angry.  Only "bad" or "crazy" people experience rage.  In short, something must be "wrong" with you if you are angry. 

We are going to use this fear of insanity that you have to make you into a rock star.  We will get you into a court order anger management program then teach you how to fake your way out.

GETTING IN:  Getting in is rather easy.  All you really have to do is remember that people who get angry really are crazy and you’re not crazy so you should just push whatever bit of rage that hits you into a little ball deep inside your stomach.  Then at completely inappropriate times, let it out.  Restaurant wait staffs are very popular, but creativity is nice.  Try airline ticket agents or computer mega-store clerks for a fun change of pace. 

IMPORTANT NOTE:  Far too many people take their anger out on people in their home, and I must discourage this course.  Kids and spouses tend to write books.

Now, with your anger well repressed and the pattern of unleashing it on those who least deserve it (let alone understand it)  you should be getting arrested quite frequently.

IMPORTANT NOTE: While hitting a cop during an arrest will definitely increase your chances of a more exciting story, it will also increase your chances getting placed in the ward of the jail humorously referred to as “New Sodom”.

GETTING WITH THE PROGRAM:  It’s so easy even the hyper-dysfunctional can do it.  Just follow these short steps and people will really think you’ve completed your court ordered anger management program.

·        Start referring to the periods where you scream, break popular household items, and fling your own feces as “Anger Episodes”.  It’s like an industry standard.  The term also helps to distance yourself from the action (similar to when you blame things on one of your “drunk episodes” or “stoned episodes” or the ever popular “hanging-with-my-ex episodes”).

·        Refer to “acting out” that occurs during your anger episodes, such as bashing a folding table over the head of your bassist or urinating on the statue of a beloved town father, as “using your current negative methods” that you are endeavoring to replace with “your new, more effective methods”.

·        Interject profound truths into your conversation. If you don’t have any original profundity, steal from Bob Dylan’s early stuff (I mean the parts where he’s singing not playing the guitar). Credit realizing these truths “during my hot yoga class”.

·        Point out pictures in  restaurants and explain how they remind you of your “special place visualization”.  When people ask about your “special place”, answer that you are very sorry that they don’t have one.

·        Refer to people who really piss you off as “current shaming relationships”.  Follow that up with comments about “not fitting in their self centered universe”.

·        When other people get angry with you, tell them, as politely condescending as possible, “I think your residual conflict is with someone else, not me”.  If you can do it, try to get in a hug and a fake sniffle.

·        Pretend to be happy for no reason.  When asked why you are grinning foolishly, explain that you are “experiencing a moment of emotional competence”.

·        Finally, when someone else around you appears to be happy, pat them on the back and tell them “You remind me of me, after my twelfth session”.  Then offer them your “work-it-out-book”.  You’ll need to make one of these and carry it with you constantly.  Buy a spiral notebook, divide into twelve sections (arbitrarily), then fill it with obscenities and evil drawings.  Change the writing instruments every section or two (start with crayon, end with a pen).  Start by writing really large and finish it out by writing neatly, inside the lines.

Yes, myths exist today. One of my favorites is that the civilized set should be nothing but constantly happy with all living creatures (no matter how pissed off they are).  As a result of this cultural myth, most folks are in complete denial when it comes to anger. We don't get angry.  Agreed, we get frustrated, irritated, annoyed and under extreme circumstances, we get "pissed off", but never angry. That's too much like a blue assed baboon.

DISCLAIMER:  If you really do have a problem with how you express your anger and you are hurting people there is something very wrong with you and you should hide it all costs or no one will ever love you.

DISCLAIMER TO THE DISCLAIMER:  Don’t listen to him; it’s OK to get mad.  It’s not OK to hit people, even if they really, really deserve it.  If you tend to keep stuff bottled up, just letting it out isn’t going to fix anything.  You need to learn how to express anger in a way that helps both you and the person you are angry with.  Winning an argument or having the control that comes from physically manipulating a person (i.e. hitting them with a guitar amp) may give you some brief satisfaction.  The void that is left only leaves you more unsatisfied and perpetuates the cycle. 

If you know someone who has serious issues expressing their anger, refer them to a professional counselor or clergy (but not the kind that think that anger is God’s instrument of judgment upon the infidels and can only be resolved through detonating bombs outside US government installations).  In cases where they are harming human beings, animals, or public property (this excludes public beaches as beating up sand is likely legal, even if it’s really weird) you are bound by law to report them to the police.