Weddings

"Come on now! This is supposed to be a joyous event!"

If I had a nickel for every time I heard this at a wedding, I'd have 223.79 Italian Lira. Weddings are joyous events. They are an emotional swell that ends in a big mess on the floor of a country club, the same is true for vomiting, however.

If marriage is an institution, then weddings are the toll booths at the entrance. They are expensive for everyone, except the little kids. This explains why the little kids enjoy the reception so much. They dance with everyone, they eat too much cake, they sing along with the songs they don't know, and if they get lucky and get into the wine or mixed drinks, they take on a whole new level of entertainment.

The older folks at the wedding are subjected to a social dynamic that they do not experience anywhere else in society (well, most of us have not spent any significant time in an insane asylum, which by the way is also an institution). For some reason, the entire event is so interesting that the involved will invite you to bring a guest (someone else to witness the freakshow).

ATTENTION SINGLE MEN: This is not a course of action that you wish to engage in. No matter how bad you want to ask "that girl" out, avoid this HUGE mistake. In keeping with the rest of my site, I'll give a bullet pointed list of reasons to avoid this.

	Weddings put women in the wrong frame of mind, they think, "Wow, I'd like to get married." If you are sitting next to her, you are suddenly the target. This girl does not want to marry you. She wants to dress up, get nice gifts, take a nice trip and have sex. These four things, while being the essentials of a wedding, do not a marriage make
	Women never look as good as they look at weddings and they are in the wrong frame of mind. This means, you've got a great chance to meet a girl at her best (i.e. good looking and vulnerable). Agreed, this is another illusion, but it's YOUR illusion. Coupled with the fact that she's going to feel pressure to look that good the next time you see her, you will get at least a couple of great dates out of it.
	Weddings are always your family and your friends. Taking a person who doesn't know these people will put both of you in the uncomfortable situation of gatekeeper or climbing wall. Gatekeeper, in that since she looks the best she's ever looked, and there are all these knew "friends" around, she wants to dance to the rhythmic stylings of Tone Loc's early stuff with people other than you. Climbing wall, in that since she knows no one, you cannot leave her side or she will be suspended in mid air, with no one to talk to, about to collapse at any time, or come crashing towards the climbing wall (i.e. still you).
	You can't be yourself at weddings. It goes without saying that you are not yourself with her. Thus you must be a third person your "uber-self". This is next to impossible to maintain, but it can be done for the 2-3 hours that the wedding and the reception will last. A date will expect you to now live in this uber-self daily, and ultimately, the little dog will come tugging at the curtain and you will have to reveal the wizard for who he really is.

Personally, I enjoy seeing my friends get married. Most of them can use the sex life, if nothing else. I don't really like bumping into my parents or their friends at weddings. The question MUST come, "So when are you tying the knot?" The use of such a restrictive metaphor, that of a hangman's noose does not help me answer the question. As a rule, I take out a vomit bag from the plane and have an emotional swell that mostly does not end up on the floor of a country club. They stop asking then.