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This article was never published.  It's a study on the "What you need to know" genre.  It's totally raw, but it's what I submitted on spec.  It was written on the back of a Pokemon notebook in glitter pen.  Yeah, I know, why didn't I just use the note book?  It would have hurt the value of all my Pokemon cards!

What You Need to Know to Be Rock Star:  Becoming an Existentialist

By Robert Welborn

What you need to know:

Defining existentialism is a lot like asking a half stoned member of folk band “What type of music do you play?”  The answer you get will be long, circuitous and devoid of meaning.  Perhaps it’s more important to discuss the difficulty of defining existentialism than the actual philosophy itself.  It’s a philosophy based on the premise that life or existence has intrinsic value.

Who you need to know:

Sartre (pronounce it like “Sar-truh” and people will think you’re the real thing) emphasized that life comes from defining experiences, that is, moments so filled with meaning that they give the rest of your life a purpose (like that moment when you were 16 where you realized that the clerk at the convenient store thought you were 21). You could then spend the rest of your life floating around in the miasma of existence dipping your nose down only to have yet another one of these experiences.

Camus (pronounced like Shamu only with the “Sh” sounding a lot more like a “K”) felt that the sheer absurdity of life made life worth living.  It kind of works like this: when confronted with a decision in life the actual moment you did something was far more important than what you actually did.  For example, if an elderly woman asked you for help crossing the street, helping her across the street or belching loudly in her face would equally provide meaning to your life.

What you need to say:

“Well Camus can do, but Sartre is ‘smar-truh’.”